Sleepy time far far away...

Last night Mavity slept in her own bed in her own room, while I slept in my room, for the very first time. *sniffle*. A few weeks ago she slept in her crib but I slept on the couch because I felt like my room was just too far away from hers. But last night I put her to bed in her crib and I actually slept (kind of) in my room.

Around 9:30pm I put Mavity to bed in her crib in her room. It wasn't hard at first because I wasn't going to bed yet. I went and watched TV for a while and then decided I needed to get some sleep. I first had to go check on her to make sure she was ok. I peeked in at her and all of a sudden got a case of the "new mommy fears". I started panicing that she was going to suffocate in the bumpers or that there was going to be a scorpion in her bed (even though I already checked for them). I worried that she would all of sudden learn how to sit up or stand up and would fall out of the crib. I worried that the baby monitor wasn't going to work and that she would be crying all night and I wouldn't hear her. While I stood next to her bed crying and worrying she woke up. Oops! I ducked down and listened to her babble for a while to see if maybe she would put herself back to sleep. She may have actually done this had I not stood up to look at her and been spotted. As soon as she saw me she had me. She started crying and I picked her up and was actually glad to be holding her in my arms. I rocked her back to sleep, fighting the urge to nurse her (don't want to start a bad habit of nursing in the middle of the night again). When she finally fell back to sleep I debated on putting her back in her crib or just taking her to bed with me. I went against my irrational fears and I put her into her own crib. I told her I loved her and closed the door to her room. She was a big girl sleeping in her own room, in her own bed without her mommy sleeping on the couch.

All the way to bed and sleep, I cried. I couldn't help but feel like I was rushing her to grow up. She is only 4 1/2 months old, what is the big hurry? But then a rational thought popped into my head and I realized that if I didn't start it now it was going to be a fight later. This thought calmed me enough to stop crying. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself to sleep. Every few seconds I had to check the baby monitor just to make sure it was still working. I finally fell asleep for a few hours. I woke up at 2:30 and went to check on her. I peeked into her crib and she was fast asleep and looking very content. This made me feel better. I went back to bed looking forward to her waking up so I could bring her to bed with me.

At 4:30 she woke up and made a tiny sound, then made a little bit bigger of a sound. I'm not even sure that she cried but I was up and on my way to get her. I brought her back to bed with me, fed her and then slept comfortably knowing that my baby was cuddled up next to me.

I put her down for a nap, today, in her crib so she and I will get used to the idea. Plus I'm tired of moving the monitor from room to room. She is sleeping well in her crib and in fact I think she actually likes it.

It's hard to do the right things when it comes to my baby. I'm selfish and I want to do what I want to do, but it's not always what is best for her. I have to realize at some point that she is going to grow up even if I don't want her to. She is getting bigger and more mature by the day and as much as I enjoy it, it is hard for me to accept. Motherhood is the most incredible, amazing, difficult thing a person could ever do. I love my Mav more than life itself.