Holy Crap! (literally)

Today I had this big plan to go to Walmart and pick up a few things that I needed to get for cheap. My list: baby wipes, baby food, office supplies, mascara and face wash. I packed up Mavity and all her gear and headed out the door. I stopped by the bank and then headed to Wally World. I went a different way than normal, which ended up being a big mistake, well a mediocre mistake. I was driving down 91st ave at the same exact time as all the schools were letting out so the traffic was awesome (not). I was driving past a high school and all the little ass-hole teenage drivers were bumping their music so loud that I was worried about Mavity's ear drums. This distracted me and I couldn't remember which street I needed to turn on to get to Walmart (it was Camelback). I was at the light for Camelback but the left turn lane was backed up so far that I said, screw that. I went straight, flipped a bitch and went back to the light. As I was doing this I thought to myself, silly me Walmart is on Indian School. I drove the mile back to Indian School just to realize that I was right the first time and Walmart is on Camelback. At this point I'm so freakin annoyed that I almost don't want to go, but I got Mavity all packed up and I wasn't turning back.

I finally made it to Wally World. Mavity was asleep in her seat so I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes listening to Howard Stern. I finally decided that she had slept long enough to be happy in the store. I climbed into the back seat to release the munchkin from her restraints and I got a big wiff of poopies! Of course she waits till we are out of the house to let the poopies come out. Oh, well, I've changed poopy diapers in public before no biggie. I grab her diaper bag and thats when it hits me that I took the wipes out of her diaper bag and put them on her changing table because I was out (remember wipes were on my list of things to get). I had some old ones in the car that were semi-wet. I grabbed them and headed in. I got to the bathroom and the sign on the door said, "Family restroom in the back of the store." No way in HELL was I going to lug this stinky poopy child all the way back to the back of the freakin store. I took her into the women's bathroom and set up shop on the changing table. I went to set Mavity down when I realized that she had poop all over the front of her and down one of her legs. Then it dawned on me that I was the one carrying her on my hip and that I probably have poop all over me too! I had on a blazer (luckily) and there was a tad bit of poo on it. I took it off and miraculously there was no other poo on me, yet. I undid the onesie and started to remove the diaper when the beast was unleashed.

I tried to get most of the poopies with the diaper as I was taking it off but there was just too much. I grabbed some semi-wet wipes out of the container and began wiping. But wiping wasn't happening it was more like pushing it around. Mavity has kicking and of course landed her foot in the poo. Then I dipped my hand in it and now it is EVERYWHERE! The bathroom is like Grand Central Station and my poor child's shitty butt is hanging out for all to see! The poop just keeps spreading and there is no stopping it. I finally ask a pregnant woman if she could help me and get me some wet paper towels. She kindly agrees. I start wiping Mavity with those and all that seems to do is add paper bits to the poo. I finally see an open sink and make my move. I grab up Mavity and a handful of semi-wet wipes and I attempt to get the f-ing automated sensored stupid-ass faucet to turn on so I can wet down the wipes. It finally happens and I'm back to the changing table to continue wiping. Then a lady comes out of a stall and says, "oh what a beautiful little girl, she is just gorgeous." Then she starts cooing and ooohing at Mavity while I'm covered in poop! As she is leaving the restroom she stops at the door and says, "May God bless you and give you a wonderful holiday season. And just remember Jesus loves you and life is great if you just believe. God Bless." (what I wanted to say) "Can't you see the God did just bless me with a huge pile of POO!!!!" (what I actually said) "Thanks, you too."

What has to be a half hour later I have finally gotten the poo off of Mavity, got a new diaper on her and a new outfit. I'm now trying to pack up all of my stuff. I get it all put away and I go to check myself out in the mirror. I'm looking on my hips (where I was holding Mav) to see if there was any poo because I'm finding it very hard to believe I don't have it everywhere. I'm surprised and pleased to see that I in fact do not have poop all over my sides. I wash my hands and dip Mavity under the water to wash off her poopy feet and give myself one more glance in the mirror and that's when I see it. A big blob of poo on the neck of my shirt. AWESOME! I attempt to get it off of my shirt, I do my best and then realize that I don't really care, I'm at Walmart, surely I won't be the only person walking around with poo on their shirt! I finally leave the freakin bathroom.

I would like to say that that is where the mayhem ended but that just isn't the case. I go to get a cart and get Mavity in it. I pick one that actually has the child restraint straps on it and I get her in and I go to buckle her in when I realize that in fact there isn't a full set of restraints, just straps, no buckles! AWESOME! I apparently had a disgusted look on my face because a woman stops and says, "you just gave the look that says that cart is missing a strap." YEP! Then she says, "I'll help you move her if you want. I'll hold her if you would like me to." Actually, You are probably a nice person and all but I don't think I really want you holding my child seeing as how you are a complete stranger! But thanks for the offer! I lied and said, "no thanks, she doesn't need them anyways." She then proceeds to talk to Mavity and say "I gotta get a smile out of her before I go." Oh come on Mav just smile for the crazy lady so she goes away! Luckily it didn't take much for her to smile. I think she knew what was at stake. So I don't switch carts because I didn't want the lady to try to hold my baby, well the truth is, Mavity really does need the straps to sit in the damn thing! I end up having to hold her while I'm shopping because she can't stay sitting up in the stupid cart. So I'm walking around Walmart pushing a cart (with an f-ed up wheel) and holding an 8 month old who is choking me with my own necklace. I finally give up on the rest of my shopping and I leave with the few items I did actually get (wipes, baby food and office supplies).

I walk out to the parking lot and I don't have the slightest idea of where I parked, that was so long ago. So I blindly start walking down the sidewalk in the middle of the parking lot hoping I'll stumble upon my car, I don't. I want to get off the sidewalk but there are no ramps to get off the f-ing side walk! Normally I would just jump the cart down the curb but I'm holding Mavity which makes this impossible to do without colliding with a parked car. Finally I find my freakin car, I get Mavity cinched in and end the nightmare.

WTF!